This blog was originally written over a year ago, as was a few of the next blogs that will be on here. I pulled away from this type of media/communication and others, at the Lord's prompting (for a determined season) and I am so glad I did. Sometimes, God pulls us aside, makes us lie down in green pastures and leads us by still waters...and we should do it -- not for the reward, but for His pleasure and ours.....and media, al-be-it an awesome tool, can sometimes be a 'cheap substitution' compared to meeting with God heart to heart and face to face....more on that later...but for now i'll post some of my writings from the not to distant past...along with present day stories, musings, quotes, pictures....all in the spirit of leaving a lasting legacy to those that I know and love....enjoy, my friends!

Dreams Do Come True (September 2006)

Recently, one early morning, I awoke to the sound of my daughter chattering away.... I lay in my bed listening to and peaking over the covers at her just a few feet away from me in her crib. She was sitting there fully entertaining herself. Speaking to some imaginary friend about her amazing life (hand movements included-after all she is her father's daughter). I just listened to and watched her. Like so many other moments that I spend with her I soaked in the quite revelation that "this is the best time of my life" and "who is living better than me?". When I finally did raise up my head and said, "Hi Abbagael", you would have thought that the most incredible thing in the world just happened to her. Her face lit up with a huge smile. Her toddler Irish eyes gave a great big twinkle. She jiggled and bounced up and down. And then she said those words that I had waited a lifetime to hear. "HI MOMMY!" I just looked at her in amazement and melted. Please, I am all verclemt. ‘Talk amongst yourselves”!

Oh, the wonder and value of a single human life. Of course, all children are gifts from God. Abbagael ("abba" like the band) Fiona Sinead is an absolute miracle child. God’s promise come true to me. She is my dream come true. LITERALLY!!! In the mundane ness of life it is easy to grow dull in our spirits. And I can be unaware of His Presence and the gifts He has given me in this life. But I have learned that if I spend a few moments with Him - He causes my heart to soften and become sensitized to His Presence as I move through life. It really isn't that difficult. Life is so much better this way. I never want to lose the profound awe that I experience in knowing this amazing child named Abbagael. Though it took many years with many questions, God kept the promise that He gave to me.

When Jim and I got married more than 18 years ago I never thought for a moment that when "we decided" to have children there would be problems. A few weeks before we were married in August of 1988 (so long ago - ha) I had a dream as I slept. I won't get into all the intricacies of the dream but the jist of the main part was this: I saw a little girl and I knew immediately that she was my daughter. Then I heard God speak in an audible voice and He said to me, "her name is Abbagael". I awoke in the morning and the dream stayed with me throughout the day. You know when you have one of those "vivid" dreams and you can't shake it. That is what it was like. I wrote it down in my journal and made sure I told Jim about it as well. I was grateful and excited that He had showed me so clearly that I as going to have a daughter in my future. I had always wanted a little girl.

Of course, I did not know what the future would hold. That many years would come and go without us having children, let alone even having one child. I did not know how many times I would question whether God had really given me this dream at all. So we did the typical "American" family planning things. After about a year we decided to try to have children and we were off! It is amazing how "in control" we all think we are. Anyway, it really is a long story.....I will leave the details for another time. There were a lot of ups and downs though...seeing the negative test results on many (did I say MANY) pregnancy tests.....the doctor's appointments....the new attempts with different medical procedures....and then God....

In the end it was an invitro attempt that put that precious little girl in my womb. On our first attempt the doctor was able to transfer 4 embryos (babies) but I lost all 4. This hurt us deeply and it took time for me to grieve this loss. We named them all and we know that they are in heaven and one day we will see them. Abbagael has four brothers and sisters in heaven.

On our second invitro attempt the doctor was only able to transfer one embryo. By the miracle of God, that is our precious 19-month-old (2 1/2 now) daughter today. No matter how hard we tried through human or medical effort and no matter how easy it is for some to have children the bottom line is this......GOD IS THE GIVER OF LIFE...only He alone can bring life by "knitting together a child in her mothers womb". Through all the years of waiting and trying to trust God...at times I would give Him an earful....at times I dealt with it wrongly.....then, at times, I would go back to that dream...and that is where I would experience His peace and believe Him again. That was the place of peace because that is where He gave me that truth. Because it was not just my dream. ABBAGAEL WAS HIS DREAM. He had given her the name Abbagael. Abbagael means the "Father's source of Joy". He planned her arrival here on earth and He just allowed me to know that she would be coming....not in my timing but in His perfect timing....as a gift to us.....and to others. And yes, after 16 years (19 years) of marriage, at 40 years old, I gave birth to the most amazing child. He kept His promise to me and I have learned so much (words cannot express). I don't completely understand it all. And that's ok! What I do know is that He is God....and I am not! I think I have a deeper appreciation for life in general that I might have missed out on if things had been easy. I don't know. I know that He has change me profoundly. I don't just know "about a God" who does miracles....I have known Him "through the process" intimately and He has known the "real me" deeply and personally through it all. I am humbled by His kindness in my life. My life is better because of Him. My life is better because of the entire process. My life is better because of Jim. And my life is better because of Abbagael. "Who is living better than me?"!!!!!!!! These ARE the best days of my life!!!!!!